One of those days

I couldn't wait to come to work tonight. 
You know the feeling.  You're about to snap, and then suddenly you get a change of scenery, or the chance to converse with an adult who thinks rationally, and its just wonderful to be out of the house.
I am thankful for the reprieve of my job.  My PAID job I should say.  Because apparently being a full-time stay at home mother is a job, worth $110,000 last I heard, although I don't see a penny of that in my bank account.

I love my work as a pediatric nurse.  I feel fulfilled.  I'm helping families, babies, children... people in a crisis.  There's an immediate fix, and most of the time I get to watch them all get better and go home.  Plus, I can see how I'm making a difference in the right here right now. 

Now I know that being a mom is the most rewarding job in the world.  And the most fulfilling.  And that I'm changing the world by raising my children.  But its also the hardest job in the world.  Right now, all I see is that its going to take me at least 18 years to find out if I did a half decent job.  Sure, people can tell me that I'm doing a great job, that I'm loving, that my kids are great, etc, but how do I know they're not just saying that through gritted teeth while in the back of their mind they see all the mistakes I'm making?  And how do I know that my kids aren't going to grow up to be something totally opposite of what I intend?  All I see right now is that my (almost) 4 year old won't sleep in her room without throwing a fit.  That today she threw a rock at her brother's head (and hit it), and it took over an hour for her to apologize.  My 22 month old won't eat anything besides carbohydrates and milk.  And let's not forget that he's not saying a SINGLE word when he SHOULD be starting to talk in sentences.  I know as a nurse that I tell parents not to worry about picky eaters- kids won't starve themselves and their bodies know what they need.  And I know that my daughter didn't talk until she was over 2, and now I can't get her to STOP talking.  But still... its hard not to worry and be frustrated about the day to day.  When my son is whiny and clingy, is it because I haven't been giving him enough attention?  Does he feel neglected?  Or is it simply because he's tired and hungry?  Is he not talking because I'm too busy to show him how to talk?  Or because he has a speech delay for which I should get him early intervention?  So many questions....

And then I get to leave. Be away from it all for 12 hours.  Try to get perspective.  And here, I get to see a little baby improve overnight.... her respirations are decreasing from the high 60's, her lungs are opening up and the crackles and wheezes diminishing.  The medication I'm giving her seems to be helping, as she hasn't thrown up a feed once on my shift.  I can turn her oxygen down, as she blissfully sleeps.  And I see that I'm making a difference.