I couldn't wait to come to work tonight.
You know the feeling. You're about to snap, and then suddenly you get a change of scenery, or the chance to converse with an adult who thinks rationally, and its just wonderful to be out of the house.
I am thankful for the reprieve of my job. My PAID job I should say. Because apparently being a full-time stay at home mother is a job, worth $110,000 last I heard, although I don't see a penny of that in my bank account.
I love my work as a pediatric nurse. I feel fulfilled. I'm helping families, babies, children... people in a crisis. There's an immediate fix, and most of the time I get to watch them all get better and go home. Plus, I can see how I'm making a difference in the right here right now.
Now I know that being a mom is the most rewarding job in the world. And the most fulfilling. And that I'm changing the world by raising my children. But its also the hardest job in the world. Right now, all I see is that its going to take me at least 18 years to find out if I did a half decent job. Sure, people can tell me that I'm doing a great job, that I'm loving, that my kids are great, etc, but how do I know they're not just saying that through gritted teeth while in the back of their mind they see all the mistakes I'm making? And how do I know that my kids aren't going to grow up to be something totally opposite of what I intend? All I see right now is that my (almost) 4 year old won't sleep in her room without throwing a fit. That today she threw a rock at her brother's head (and hit it), and it took over an hour for her to apologize. My 22 month old won't eat anything besides carbohydrates and milk. And let's not forget that he's not saying a SINGLE word when he SHOULD be starting to talk in sentences. I know as a nurse that I tell parents not to worry about picky eaters- kids won't starve themselves and their bodies know what they need. And I know that my daughter didn't talk until she was over 2, and now I can't get her to STOP talking. But still... its hard not to worry and be frustrated about the day to day. When my son is whiny and clingy, is it because I haven't been giving him enough attention? Does he feel neglected? Or is it simply because he's tired and hungry? Is he not talking because I'm too busy to show him how to talk? Or because he has a speech delay for which I should get him early intervention? So many questions....
And then I get to leave. Be away from it all for 12 hours. Try to get perspective. And here, I get to see a little baby improve overnight.... her respirations are decreasing from the high 60's, her lungs are opening up and the crackles and wheezes diminishing. The medication I'm giving her seems to be helping, as she hasn't thrown up a feed once on my shift. I can turn her oxygen down, as she blissfully sleeps. And I see that I'm making a difference.
Friday 27 May 2011
Saturday 7 May 2011
My motto
So. I've decided to start a blog. With two kids. Ha! We'll see how often it gets updated.
A little background on my title. While I was trying to decide what to name this blog, the picture that kept coming to mind was "washed clean". This seems like a theme in my life recently. Being a Christian, I believe that all of my sins (wrong doings, screw ups, whatever name you call them) have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus. By the grace of God. By no doing of my own. This was the initial start of my Christianity, and continues to be a reminder, often daily, in a world where I expect perfectionism, and often fail. The older I get, the more I seem to rely on the grace of God. Several verses from the Bible come to mind, the first being what I would probably call my mission statement for my walk with God: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. It is the gift of God, not by works, so that no man can boast." (My paraphrase of Ephesians 2:8-9.) In other words, nothing I do... NOTHING.... can save me. Nothing can make me perfect, except for the grace of God, the saving grace of his Son Jesus, who died for my sins. And this is the one thing that separates Christianity from all other religions in the world. This concept of Grace. The reality that nothing we do, not even our greatest works, can atone for the wrongdoings in our lives.
And so, back to my theme, "Washed Clean Mothering". Why is it that all the moms I talk to lately are struggling with being the "perfect mother"? Balancing life, and family, and their role as a woman in this world? I can tell you that early on in my experience as a mother, I learned how insufficient I am in my role and how much I need a higher power to help me on my quest to raise another human being. In trying to raise another human, I am reminded of my humanity. How many times I have screwed up and said something to my kids that I later regretted! Or acted a certain way to my husband! Thank God for His grace, that washes me clean, just like all the laundry I do on an often daily basis! Again I go on a rabbit trail.... Laundry. My own soul needs to be washed clean, and so do my clothes. And my kids' clothes. I was joking to my friend the other day about how as soon as I have finished washing all of my laundry (often the clothes aren't even put away yet!), one of my kids wets the bed, or smears food all over them, or falls in a mud puddle, and I can't just throw the clothes back in the laundry pile or the mess will get everywhere. And the washing machine starts all over again! I said to myself just this morning "I'm not going to do laundry today, I'm taking a Sabbath." And then Grace woke up with a bloody nose that had smeared all over her sheets, pillow, and pajamas. And you can't let blood sit or it will stain. So 4 loads later (if I'm doing one load, I figure I might as well wash ALL the clothes), I've just done laundry on my Sabbath. Figures.
Life as a mother. Continually doing laundry. And continually being washed clean by the blood of the Lamb.
I hope I'll get to update this blog once a week or so, if only to be an outlet for my stories. And to connect me with the wider world. I have been reading other moms' blog's lately, and what an encouragement it has been to see that I am not alone and we are all experiencing the challenges (and blessings) of raising young children. So hopefully this can be an encouragement to others. Something that will make you laugh, or cry, or both. And please let me know you are reading by leaving a comment or two! Then I won't feel so alone.
A little background on my title. While I was trying to decide what to name this blog, the picture that kept coming to mind was "washed clean". This seems like a theme in my life recently. Being a Christian, I believe that all of my sins (wrong doings, screw ups, whatever name you call them) have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus. By the grace of God. By no doing of my own. This was the initial start of my Christianity, and continues to be a reminder, often daily, in a world where I expect perfectionism, and often fail. The older I get, the more I seem to rely on the grace of God. Several verses from the Bible come to mind, the first being what I would probably call my mission statement for my walk with God: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. It is the gift of God, not by works, so that no man can boast." (My paraphrase of Ephesians 2:8-9.) In other words, nothing I do... NOTHING.... can save me. Nothing can make me perfect, except for the grace of God, the saving grace of his Son Jesus, who died for my sins. And this is the one thing that separates Christianity from all other religions in the world. This concept of Grace. The reality that nothing we do, not even our greatest works, can atone for the wrongdoings in our lives.
And so, back to my theme, "Washed Clean Mothering". Why is it that all the moms I talk to lately are struggling with being the "perfect mother"? Balancing life, and family, and their role as a woman in this world? I can tell you that early on in my experience as a mother, I learned how insufficient I am in my role and how much I need a higher power to help me on my quest to raise another human being. In trying to raise another human, I am reminded of my humanity. How many times I have screwed up and said something to my kids that I later regretted! Or acted a certain way to my husband! Thank God for His grace, that washes me clean, just like all the laundry I do on an often daily basis! Again I go on a rabbit trail.... Laundry. My own soul needs to be washed clean, and so do my clothes. And my kids' clothes. I was joking to my friend the other day about how as soon as I have finished washing all of my laundry (often the clothes aren't even put away yet!), one of my kids wets the bed, or smears food all over them, or falls in a mud puddle, and I can't just throw the clothes back in the laundry pile or the mess will get everywhere. And the washing machine starts all over again! I said to myself just this morning "I'm not going to do laundry today, I'm taking a Sabbath." And then Grace woke up with a bloody nose that had smeared all over her sheets, pillow, and pajamas. And you can't let blood sit or it will stain. So 4 loads later (if I'm doing one load, I figure I might as well wash ALL the clothes), I've just done laundry on my Sabbath. Figures.
Life as a mother. Continually doing laundry. And continually being washed clean by the blood of the Lamb.
I hope I'll get to update this blog once a week or so, if only to be an outlet for my stories. And to connect me with the wider world. I have been reading other moms' blog's lately, and what an encouragement it has been to see that I am not alone and we are all experiencing the challenges (and blessings) of raising young children. So hopefully this can be an encouragement to others. Something that will make you laugh, or cry, or both. And please let me know you are reading by leaving a comment or two! Then I won't feel so alone.
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